I don't even know where to begin, its been nearly four years since my last blog and reading back through what i wrote it's like reading a different persons life! The 'Aileen' of 2006 and 2007 is soo distant to the woman stood in front of the mirror here today! At the time I thought i was invinicible, unstoppable that somehow life consisted of drinking, partying and men. I thought I was happy, 'loving life in fact' when in reality I was throwing my life away! Spending every day the same, get up, meet girls, drink, meet boys go to bed repeat! A whole summer spent wasting away, discovering freedom, turning into someone that you don't even like and then deciding to change. Well thats what i thought...
A whole new chapter of my life the transition of leaving school discovering so called 'freedom' then settling back into reality and attending college. Initialy my life was back on track. I met an amazing friend Georgie Barrett who still to this day is one of my closest friends and I hope will be a long time to come! ... I also met a boy who would change my life... I instantly fell in love from the word go but could never forsee what the future would have instore for us...
Although the relationship felt like one of the happiest times in my life it is also the darkest. After seven weeks of what felt like pure bliss, perfection he proposed. This should of been the start of happiness instead it was the start of the end... Everything changed, I now wasnt just a 'girlfriend' I belonged to him and began to feel smothered after just 5 months I was ready to walk away and did try but something kept pulling me back! Somehow i just couldnt let go, i felt empty without him, miserable with him, he knew it I knew it so why didnt we just call it quits then? Why did we insist on carrying on this journey of self-destruction? Was it love or just habbit!? ...
I dont want to dwell on the what happened in the next year i choose to stay in the 'relationship' soo what happened is some what my fault! i gave everything up for a relationship that was going nowhere with a person who was going nowhere! i gave up college, my job, my friends, my whole life on something i didnt even want.. I don't know if its because i knew id lost a hell of alot that i reacted the way i did or if it was just immaturity and stupidity, either way i cant excuse my behaviour or his. There is no excuse for violence and in the end someone has to walk away.. I cant say i regret the relationship because he was a major part of my life for soo long its made me who I am today. I wouldnt say I'm a stronger person as ive always been strong, but wiser...
Fast forward nearly two years and here we are. Half way through march. New years diet hasn't started yet, been to the gym a grand total of two times and took up drinking again! Soo far all the new years resolutions have gone out the window, I'm in agood place, I wouldn't say I'm happy id go with contempt! In the nearly two years ive been apart from Josh ive kissed two people. I told myself I wouldnt just go with anyone for the sake of it, unless I felt it then whats the point? .. Don't get me wrong I havent got enough fingers to count the offers ive received but im glad i never took any of them up. I know what it is i want so why settle for anything less!?.. soo two kisses the first straight after i came out of a long term relationship, mistake only word for it! I cant describe it any differently. How can you kiss someone if you love someone else!? to hurt them perhaps! Either way it was wrong then for the most recent... This ones strange!..
I got asked out for a drink which turnt into a trip bowling which never happened due to it being half term and it being packed, which then turnt into a film (a shit film at that lol) and drinks... Prior to going on this 'date' i wasnt sure if i wanted to go I didnt even knoe what i thought of him. I thought he was very different to me, completley opposite to anyone i go for but needless to say the day happened and I'm glad it did. I can tell alot by a kiss! If when I kiss someone it doesnt feel right then i know theres no future. This kiss however felt right! ... The more I learn about him the more i feel i want to know! After just three weeks i cant quite get my head around how i feel about him! Its just craziness! He gives me goosebumps when he touches me, butterflies when I see him and just cant help but smile when hes around me! Is it even possible to feel this way after such little time!? I dont know but thats how i feel.... The more i learn about him the more i see hes not as opposite to me as I thought! Hes actualy quite similar to me, his personality and sense of humour is just as bad as mine, he cracks me up he realy does. I even laugh when he calls me an umpa lumpa how ridiculus is that! i should be getting in a mood not giggling! ... He has a past that isnt the best, a past that should worry me, surely I should walk away what if he goes back to how he use to be? But i cant! I can just see through it all that person is not the person who lies in bed with me looking into my eyes and it never will be! I dont care about any of that stuff I don't care about the past its history we are who we are today and Im not going to dwell on it! .. I just struggle to work out how he feels about me, his face doesnt tell all. He's deep and his facial expressions reveal nothing. Half the time you can tell hes interested the other half its as if he doesnt care, drives me mad but its just the way he is and in some ways it excites me! The mystery intises me I want to learn more ... Hes now going away for a week, am i worried, honestly i dont know! Do i think he'll sleep with somone else? NOOOO!! Despite his past I dont think he'll go back to that at the end the day he could sleep with somebody else here soo why travell miles away to do it!? ... The fact that my heart skips abeat when im with him is enough for me for know and thats where im gunna leave things... what the future holds nobody knows!! ...<£
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